Alien Artwork
by Vestal Virgin
Summary: A lighthearted piece that finds Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay in an unusual First Contact.


**DISCLAIMER: All things Star Trek belong to CBS/Paramount. **

"Have you come up with a plan yet, Commander?"

"So far? Praying to the ancestral spirits that _Voyager_ finds us soon."

"Uh huh. No contingency?"

"Sorry, Captain. The possibility of ending up as an alien erotic art display never came up in any security meeting."

"Tuvok is usually more thorough," she deadpanned.

Chakotay settled his back against hers and chuckled.

"I'm glad you find this amusing. We're twelve feet off the ground on a stone pedestal, naked, and surrounded by a force field."

"It could be worse."

"How?"

"We could have been gilded first."

"True. I hadn't thought of that." They were sitting cross-legged, back-to-back, and she drummed her fingers beside her knee. "Look at them! They're just watching us like we're zoo animals."

"I suppose we are to them."

"I've been reduced from starship captain to oddity."

"Kathryn, you've always been an oddity."

"Hey!"

He chuckled again when her elbow dug into his back.

She sighed. "My ass is cold."

"So are my… Never mind." He braced for the elbow again, but heard a sound instead. "Did you just giggle?"

"No." She did it again.

"Yes, you did. You giggled."

"Did not."

"Oh god, now you made me giggle."

She laughed. "That's very becoming, Commander."

"Shut up." His command would have been more effective if he hadn't giggled when he issued it.

"Is there no way we can contact the ship?"

"Not unless you found a clever place to hide a combadge."

"Chakotay!"

"What? Oh! No," he grinned. "I didn't mean _that_."

"I certainly hope not." Her shoulders shook with laughter against his. "You don't think they expect us to - you know."

"That's a possibility."

"You aren't serious."

"Why else put naked male and female zoo animals together, Kathryn?"

"Migration study?"

"Breeding?"

She groaned as a particularly rotund and vile alien made the circuit around the observation deck surrounding the platform. "I am not demonstrating mating methods for the masses."

"Don't worry. I don't think an Orion slave girl could get a rise out of me right now."

"You sound like you're familiar with their techniques, Chakotay."

"A little. One three-day vacation when I was a young ensign."

"What was it like?"

"Are you asking me about my sexual exploits?"

She giggled again. "An inappropriate question. I'm sorry, I was curious if the rumors are close to the facts."

"Let's just say I've never had a complaint from subsequent lovers. Have you ever gone to Risa?"

"Did that alien just spit at us?"

"Yes, and you can't change the subject now, Kathryn."

"I'm the captain."

"You started it."

"True. And yes. Happy now?"

"Am I happy that you've been to Risa? That depends."

"On what?"

"That was uncalled for!"

"Are you giving me a double standard?" she said with a huff.

"What? No. That alien with the blue neck stripe just made a gesture at me."

"What kind of gesture?"

"Obscene, if I have to guess."

"Maybe it finds you attractive, Chakotay."

He shuddered. "Now I won't be able to get it up for a month."

She laughed, and then choked when the same alien made the same gesture to her. "Oh, that's just gross!"

"See?"

"There's an image I'll never forget."

"You forgot about your cold ass, though, didn't you?"

"The friction of recoil seems to have done the trick."

He giggled. "Damn it, Kathryn! "

She laughed. "You'll never live it down if you ever do that in front of Tom."

"I have a feeling you'll never let me forget it, either."

"Don't worry, Chakotay. Your manhood is still intact with me."

"Why is your womanhood not in question?"

"Because at the moment it is in full view of an entire planet we don't know even know the name of."

"True. You are covering yourself, aren't you, Kathryn?"

"I gave up trying to cover my breasts a while ago. Only my… Well, you know."

"Clever hiding place?" he offered.

She giggled and shifted against him. "Yeah, that."

"Do you think they know where we are?"

"I'm sure the crew is looking by now. It may take a while for them to figure out how to get through the planet's security shields."

"I'm sorry about this, Kathryn."

"It's not your fault, Chakotay. The sensors didn't pick up anything until we were snatched from the shuttle. Clearly, their technology is more advanced than ours."

"One of them just threw something."

"What?"

"To your left. The one holding what looks like a bag. It just threw…"

The force field flared red as an object struck it from the other side.

"This isn't good, Chakotay."

"I have to agree. This is bad."

Another small object struck the field, and Kathryn and Chakotay both pulled their legs in closer. Kathryn's squeak made Chakotay whip his head around to her for the first time since they'd been in this predicament. "What is it?"

"That was thrown right at my face."

He watched as, with uncanny accuracy, another object hit the field directly in front of her eyes. She instinctively flinched, and Chakotay reached his hand back to her arm to offer comfort. With the third projectile that struck in front of her face, Chakotay could see that the missile resembled a Brazil nut.

"Why are they picking on me?" she asked angrily.

"Maybe because you're smaller? Because you're female? I don't know."

A fourth, fifth, and sixth nut hit the barrier in rapid succession.

"At least the field seems to be holding," he said.

Two objects hit at the same time, and the red flare appeared duller.

"You were saying, Chakotay?"

"Kathryn." His voice surged with concern. "Turn around to me."

"Have you forgotten we're naked, Chakotay?"

Larger objects were now being pelted at her face. "This is no time to be modest, Captain. If that barrier fails, you could be seriously injured. At least if you're facing me, I can help protect your head with my hands."

"Okay, you're right."

They both struggled up to their knees, and Kathryn maneuvered around in the small space until she was facing him, wincing with each red glow of the force field now that she couldn't see what was coming. Within a few seconds, the nut lobbing slowed down.

"What's happening?" she asked.

"All but a few aliens have stopped throwing."

"Why?"

"Remember our earlier hypothesis? Maybe they were trying to drive us together."

"Chakotay."

"Don't worry, Kathryn. I have no intention of making love to you in front of our hosts. Just trust me."

"I do trust you."

"Then come here," he said as he opened his arms.

"What are you doing?"

"You are completely exposed to them, now. I can at least hide the important parts from their view."

"Oh." Her eyes widened at the realization she was on full display to the aliens. Without a thought, she moved forward until she was pressed against him, his arms carefully circling her so that his biceps hid her breasts.

"Keep your head down and put your hands on my back. They've stopped throwing things now."

"Thank you, Chakotay."

"Don't thank me yet. Let's see how long they buy this act."

"You think they'll want more?"

"Who knows? We'll deal with it if we have to. We might be back on _Voyager_ before then."

"Oh, God!"

"What?"

"We could be beamed back to the ship like this."

He chuckled. "I guess so. I hope it will be B'Elanna at the transporter controls. I trust her more than anyone else. Besides you, that is."

She was quiet for a moment. "Thank you, Chakotay."

"For what?"

"That you put that much trust in me. It means a lot."

He didn't respond, but hugged her tighter.

She rebalanced herself and groaned. "My knees are too old for this."

"And how old are you?"

"Did you just ask a woman how old she is?"

He chuckled. "I suppose I did. I've committed a grievous crime, haven't I?"

"Damn right. Forty-three."

"Forty-three crimes? I'll be expecting the brig when we get back."

She giggled. "No, I'm forty-three. I'm trusting you to take that information to your grave."

"I'm staring down the torpedo tube at fifty. Believe me, forty-three sounds pretty good."

"That's right! Your birthday is in less than two weeks, isn't it?"

"Thanks for the reminder."

"What are your plans for marking this milestone, Commander?"

"Oh, I don't know. Spending the day in my quarters, alone, with a bottle of something illegal and potently alcoholic."

"I know you don't like birthday parties, but you can't let this one pass quietly. I won't let you."

"I prefer not to acknowledge it at all."

"I prefer not to acknowledge being alien erotic artwork, but here we are."

He laughed. "So we are. Oh, disgusting!"

"Excuse me?"

"Not you. Another fine gesture brought to us by an unnamed patron."

"Do I want to know?"

"No, I don't think you do."

"I'll let you take the lead on that one."

"I'm honored. Nauseated, but honored."

She giggled, her body shaking against his.

"Be still, woman."

"What did I do?"

"We're not back-to-back anymore."

"Oh. Oh!" She shifted. "I thought you said an Orion slave girl couldn't get a rise."

"You're not Orion."

"Was that a compliment?"

"Most definitely. So is that," he said with a slight hip movement.

She giggled, then buried her face against his chest to stop her laughter.

"Not helping."

She looked up. "What an ass."

"Was that a compliment?"

"No," she laughed. "I think our patron saint of gesticulation just moved into my visual range.

"Nice one, wasn't it? Very creative."

"I thought so, too, after I quelled the bile. I'm not letting you off that easily, though. Your birthday, remember?"

He sighed. "I'll make you a deal. No party; just us eating a nice dinner in my quarters. You bring the illegal alcohol, I'll cook."

"Now you're talking. I can handle illegal alcohol."

"Of course you can. You're a Starfleet captain."

"I must have missed the class on first contact as live statuary."

"I think you're doing a fine job."

"Why, thank you, Chakotay."

"You're welcome, Kathryn."

A tingle stole through her body, and she gripped the muscles of his back tighter until she recognized the familiar feel of a transporter beam. When her hearing returned, she registered a voice exclaiming, "I've got them!" Still kneeling wrapped in each other's arms, Kathryn and Chakotay felt the ship jump to warp.

"B'Elanna!" Chakotay barked. "Send the captain to her quarters, then me to mine."

"I'm on it." B'Elanna kept her eyes on the controls as she carried out the orders. Once both of her naked commanders had been transported, she looked up with a wide grin. She didn't know what had happened down on that planet, but she had a feeling it wouldn't be long before something happened back on _Voyager_. "Happy early birthday, my friend," she laughed.


End file.
